Absolutely not.

Are there days where it feels like I am no closer to being regulated? Yes but that’s because of my impatience and, on some days, lack of trust in the process. There are other days where I sit back and feel a lot of pride in how far I’ve actually come. Coincidentally these are also the same days that I have taken a break for two seconds from constantly beating myself up.

Therapy was the place where I realised that writing and journalling was an especially helpful outlet for me. Journalling became the place where I do most of my problem solving, where I debate and challenge myself, where I let off steam and rage and where I take the time to give myself the praise that I deserve.

Not always.

A lot of times I still fall at the feet of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I am so much better off than where I was a couple of years ago.

My therapist gave me the confidence I needed to start believing my feelings. Sometimes the abuse and dysfunction isn’t as obvious as you need it to be to stop questioning why you feel so low when you’re around the people you love. You gaslight yourself constantly. That was definitely the case for me. It took my therapist and my wife a very long time to get through to me so that I could stop guilting and blaming myself.

With Sarah, my therapist, I was able to come to a lot of epiphanies and answer the questions I had stumbled over for years. She gave me the space and support to explore my feelings in a way that I had never done before.

I struggle a lot to connect with people. My social circle is tiny and the only person I could really talk openly to was my wife. When things got really bad with my family it became obvious to me that my wife was as much on the rollercoaster as I was. Every twist and turn not only took a toll on me, emotionally it was taking a toll on her. I didn’t want her to feel everything that I was feeling. Especially when we weren’t anywhere near being married at that point. I needed someone to talk to so desperately, where I could unload as much as I needed to, and it didn’t cause more pain and suffering. Therapy gave me that.

Yes, the cost is definitely a drawback. Sarah was very reasonably priced for the London area but even still, the sessions in total set me back four figures. To be completely honest, the cost is why I’m not still having weekly sessions now.

I felt like with the tools that I had learnt to use and the knowledge I had gained, that I was coping a lot better in general. It got to the point where I didn’t have much to say in our sessions and so Sarah suggested maybe it was a sign that I just didn’t need them anymore. I also had other new important financial goals that I couldn’t sustain and still have weekly sessions. So we gradully increased the time between each session and they eventually stopped.

I have been back since then. I was going through a really hard time recently and knew that I needed the extra professional support. Sarah was incredibly accommodating and we made it work. I can’t put a price on knowing that her proffessional support is there if and when I need it. It’s literally a weight off my mind.

I am still struggling.

Not because going to therapy didn’t help.

It’s because healing is a constant continual process and if you don’t do the work, you don’t get the progress. I got lazy and self study requires discipline. I thought dealing with the acute issues my parents were causing me would automatically spur me on to fix everything else. It didn’t.

But I am still so much better off than where I was.

And I can’t rate Sarah enough.

So, yes, I am still struggling. And no, for me, therapy wasn’t a waste.

Talk soon

Carly