So much of my adult life has been wasted blaming myself for not being attentive enough to my parents. I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment where co-dependency, amongst several other unhealthy dynamics, was alive and thriving. It wasn’t immediately noticeable to me that there was even a problem. For me it was all just… normal. We were fed, clothed and sheltered. We went to church every Saturday. My mom read me bedtime stories and consoled me when I was sad. We were a family. We did what normal families do.

After my mom’s suicide attempt I was attentive. My Mom didn’t work and my Dad did long hours as a policeman. So I made the effort to get Mom out of the house when I could and spend as much time with her as possible. Mine and my mom’s relationship on the outset seemed ok. And it was for a while.

But then I started to have more of my own life. I was in a relationship and trying to navigate it was hard. My experience of marriage and relationships were so far from what was healthy. I had to put so much time and effort into re-learning what it means to be a partner and how to act.

The more that time went on, the stronger the feeling got that my Mom needed things from me that I either couldn’t give or wasn’t prepared to. Her neediness started to get palpable. That mixed with my propensity to make everything and everyone my responsibility put a massive strain on our relationship. I couldn’t have a nice day out without thinking about her and the fact that she was at home staring at 4 walls in silence. I would give up the little free time I had, that I needed for me, to make sure she wasn’t alone. There were constant text messages and so much oversharing about details of my parents marriage that it became obvious my mom expected me to be her best friend not just her daughter. She was using me to fill a void and the more I tried to ignore it, the more painfully obvious it got.

I knew it was too much. I knew my interactions with her were more and more draining. I knew I needed to pull back. The second I tried, though, the guilt was immense. Either that or the fear that I could cause another suicide attempt. It was like having my head between a rock and a hard place.

At therapy I asked over and over again trying to understand why it was ok to put my needs above hers. Why was it ok to put up boundaries and distance myself causing her to get less of the very things she needed from me? Why were my expectations valid and hers not?

I agonised for months over this question. If we are both human beings deserving of love, why is it ok to put my needs first? Why don’t I have to give in the way that she needs emotionally? Why does she have to respect my boundaries when they are going to hurt her? Someone who has been a great mom from the time I can remember. So loving and so attentive. Why is it ok to put all of that to the side and make demands. That’s how I felt. Demanding.

Eventually the answer came.

Many times I have heard the words “people don’t choose to be born or who their parents are”. I would hear it, let it pass over, and then I’d be right back to agonising over my mom again. I had to think of it like this for that sentence to finally make sense.

In society, a relationship is formed between two people when both parties accept the terms and conditions of that relationship. Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship, a new job, a bank loan, whatever it is. When I enter into that relationship, regardless of what type it is, I am entering having accepted what the other person needs from me and feel capable of giving it. And the same goes for them.

The parent child relationship is the only relationship where that consent is not given by both people, because it obviously can’t be. I couldn’t agree to be my mom’s child and happily take on the responsibility of filling all of her voids in return for being cared for and raised. I couldn’t agree to meet all of her expectations for the rest of our lives. Obviously these are conditions even an adult would run a mile from let alone a dependent child. Some people aren’t emotionally equipped to raise a child and the needs placed on that child are completely unrealistic and unreasonable.

This is why my mom has to accept and cater to my needs but I am not responsible in any way for hers. Not as a child or an adult child. Children are not brought into the world to be exploited or purpose built. There is no guarantee of anything. They are brought into the world with nothing but a hope and a prayer that whoever has put air into their lungs won’t cause them pain and suffering. Then when the adult child becomes independent, they are free. It’s the bonds that are formed during childhood that keep them together into adulthood. But sometimes, like in my case, the bonds break or are a lot more fragile so the relationship isn’t as close as it could be. There can’t be any expectations.

I am 35 and it has taken 34 years to learn this. It has helped me take control of my relationship with both my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love them both dearly but in most instances, love isn’t enough. For anyone who needed to hear it, I hope I could help you in some way.

Talk soon

Carly