I had a real bad moment a couple of days ago.

After 2 weeks of complete calm and not letting anything trigger me, I completely let shit hit the fan.

Over something as stupid as washing dishes.

My wife came home to find the dishes stacked up to the ceiling after days of me putting it off. This along with washing piling up and me sitting at my computer in a onesie looking like I’d just rolled out of bed did not bode well. After all, it was 2pm.

She questioned what I had done all day, rightfully so, and instead of owning my mistake I pulled my signature move.

Deflection.

I deflected so hard I could hear the neighbours across the street wincing.

I couldn’t back down. When I get in situations like this my body goes straight into fight or flight within a millisecond. And it’s never flight with me, it’s only ever fight.

I fight like a cat in a trash bag. I attack with my words, my hands fly all over the place. My wife knows when it’s futile to continue talking to me. She’ll speak calmly but firmly and instead of me respecting it my ego then takes a turn. I view being asked to go and calm down as if I’m being talked down to. Like instead of an adult I am actually a toddler. It doesn’t matter how much I’m acting like one I’ll still take offence. Like she’s so much better than me. I mean she is but not in the way my head is telling me. She can control herself. I admire it tremendously when I’m not busy acting like a two year old.

So now two days later I’m sitting here trying to figure out what went wrong.

I’m due on my period. My hormones never used to be this bad. I don’t know if it’s age or what but anything and everything will trigger a full on meltdown. I get a lot a pain before my period. A LOT. For at least a week or two. It’s difficult to cope with and constant and I know it contributes to my temper. The doctor thinks it’s psychologically induced from when my mom tried to commit suicide. Not really sure how to remedy that one considering it’s already been 10 years since the event.

I also haven’t slept particularly well the past couple of weeks. That could well be the catalyst for me turning into the Incredible Hulk over a few dishes.

The biggest thing was that I felt my shame rearing its big ugly head. The one that tells me I’m not worth anything because I’ve fallen short. That I should be making correct decisions and prioritising properly 24/7. My heart rate skyrockets and I start panicking on the inside. Panicking my wife will just not want to be with me anymore and tell me to leave. We’ve been together a long time. Long enough for me to know she’s not going anywhere. Long enough for me to know that she truly loves me and a genuine honest criticism won’t change that. Yet every single time I’m called out on my shit I am absolutely terrified.

What I had been doing recently is trying to change my attitude about getting negative feedback. I’m trying to be a better person and I know my accountability skills need some real work. So I tried my best to get excited about those conversations instead of dreading them. I want to view them as an opportunity to practice taking accountability and to stop defecting. I picture myself at the end of the conversation feeling proud because I succeeded. This method was helping a lot. I think this most recent situation perhaps the shame was a bit more entrenched so I needed a stronger tactic.

I notice I am very outcome dependent. I will tailor everything I do or say depending on what I think the reaction will be. I know those dishes were sat there because I was journalling constantly and doing self study. I had made some good progress and didn’t want to lose momentum. When I wasn’t doing that I wanted to spend time with my wife who I don’t see that much thanks to her job. I know it was a simple priority mistake where at some point I needed to make the washing up important and I didn’t. It’s really not that big a deal to just own up to. Yet telling my wife that seemed like the hardest thing in the world. I was so scared she wouldn’t like my answer and that she’d be even more upset. In fact, just as I was writing that sentence I had a flashback to my dad yelling at me as a kid and asking me questions to then yell even louder at my answers.

Huh…

I forgot that memory even existed. Well that makes a lot of sense doesn’t it. I guess that’s where it comes from. I know I’m not a child anymore being berated by my dad but when my wife wants to talk about an issue my body acts like that’s exactly where I am. I need to learn how to separate the present from the past. I can’t keep projecting onto my wife. It’s not fair on her.

Thanks for helping me work this all out.

Talk soon

Carly